Driving Past the Graveyard

As I get closer and closer to my 40th I am becoming more and more the sentimental guy that I am but I also am coming to realize that there are also lots of things I don’t look fondly upon or even worse regret that I didn’t say or do. I decided to make a list. I regret that I didn’t play 4 years of football in high school. Although I didn’t play much freshman year I loved it. I regret that I let a 15 year old kid and may I add a non-teammate and possibly even a non-participant, tell me that because I played baseball intensely and passionately that it was embarrassing to me and because that kid was one of the cool kids I took it to heart and let it affect me in ways that still bother me. I regret not telling the kid above to FUCK OFF I do not regret how upset I was after we lost the City Championship to Davis Oil when I was 14 years old. I balled like a 6 year old who didn’t get his perfect gift from Santa Claus. I wanted to win that title more than I wanted to win anything else. I wish I had played one individual sport although not a running one, maybe the shot put or wrestling. I regret being afraid to talk to girls in a way other than a way that said I just wanted to be friends. I don’t regret that my best friends now were my best friends in high school. I wish I was a little more confident with new people because I really do like to meet new people. I don’t regret not trying pot until I was in my 20’s. I regret not living on campus in college for at least 1 semester. I wish I had talked to my parents more about how I felt and gotten more of their guidance and wisdom. I don’t regret that when I drink I am an I LOVE YOU MAN drunk. Although I don’t drink much. I don’t regret learning the lesson that Alcohol and Grief DO NOT GO WELL TOGETHER. Although I wish there had not been so much puke…..So much I don’t regret thinking of my best friends like the brothers I don’t have. I don’t regret getting married before 30. I sometimes but not always regret that I’m the responsible one when I go/went out with my friends. I once read that when you drive by a graveyard that that place is filled with regrets. I’d like to avoid as much as possible having more regrets than things I’m happy I did.

Starting the Tunnel

So I am now in the last month of my 30’s. I’m not feeling any more happiness or anxiety, pessimism or optimism than I usually do on any given day. What I am feeling is that I need to and want to change some things. I want to be more curious, for my adult life I’ve always gotten frustrated with people who ask a lot of questions, now I want to be one of those people I want to know stuff about stuff and the people who do that stuff and why they do it and if it’s cool, fun and fulfilling. I heard a quote the other day that went like this “I prefer having questions because then the whole world opens up to me.” Doesn’t that sound wonderful and positive having the whole world open to you? That just sounds fantastic. I want to live my life through experiences as opposed to stuff. This year I was able to take two awesome trips that I will always remember. Along the way I was able to do a couple of things I have wanted since I was a child, see a baseball game at Wrigley Field and go to a BIG TIME college football game. I was able to do these things with people that I love dearly and these things mean so much more to me than if that $ was spent on a new something or other. I plan to do a lot more of this because if you don’t enjoy the journey we all end up at the same destination. I want to become my true self and to do that I feel like I need to accomplish something. Not just something small but something big that is built up with lots of little accomplishments along the way. I am going to set a goal and I am going to write that goal down as well as a time period to reach that goal and I am going to make decisions based on if they will help me reach that goal. I’ve never really accomplished anything awesome in my opinion, sure I’ve graduated from high school and college, but lots of people have done that. I was once dead set on being a great baseball player but I allowed the words of classmate who saw me excelling and doing something that I love, to drag me back into the den of mediocrity. I want to break out of that den and have my own den filled with awesomeness and accomplishment. I know I have it in me it’s just way down and it’s going to take some serious digging and maybe a few wrong turns but I am going to take a journey of self-discovery and discover a great person. Now I just need to figure out what that accomplishment should be.